Love creates a conduit between two people; a pathway that keeps them connected, a route of communication that they share whether or not anything is being said. How many times have you been thinking of someone you care about when your phone rings, and the loved-one is on the other end? I often find myself pulling my cell out of my pocket only to have it ring in my hand with a text or call from my man. The link is there and can always be felt.
In grieving for my father, I've learned that one of the things that hurts most is that the connection between us is broken. Before his death, I could pause in my day and know that somewhere, my dad was there, available if I needed him, and that he loved me. I lay awake in bed a few nights ago wishing that I could talk to him and feeling the emptiness on his end of our conduit. Then it occurred to me that I was trying to connect with him in a place he no longer inhabits.
I tried redirecting my thoughts to a higher, better place. In my deepest times of doubt, I still believe that there is a loving power that links us all; I call this power God. I have friends who call it the Universe, the Multiverse, the collective soul, or Spirit. Whatever we call it, I believe that the power I call God is real, that God is loving, and that my father is with God in some place that is infinitely far and yet ultimately close. When I tried routing my communication with my dad through God, it suddenly seemed that my father was there, right with me, just as loving and available as ever.
I guess the purpose of this post is to say that I am not without hope - hope for connection, for renewal, and for a reunion with him someday. I don't know that I believe in heaven in the traditional sense, but I do believe in God, and Christ, and the incredible nature of sacrificial love. I believe that there is something beyond our comprehension, unimaginably distant but all around us, near enough to sense, almost to touch. I miss my father so much - his absence is almost palpable. But I also feel his presence every time I pray, and there is great comfort in that small, continued connection.