Real Life Horror Stories

WARNING: This post is wholly negative with few to no redeeming qualities. It contains loads of whining and complaining, about which I feel entirely guilty. However, I have been assured by my therapist that repressing emotions leads to great stress and increased health problems. So be warned. Read at your own risk.

Halloween has come and gone, but life doesn't only visit horrors upon us at the end of October. Life has plenty of awful things to go around and it isn't shy about handing them out all year. 2013 has been generous. In January, my heat-pump failed, necessitating purchase of a new system at a cost of more than $4000. In March, I began having health issues which started with chronic exhaustion and deep pain in my bones and joints. My doctor started performing tests and determined that I had a severe vitamin D deficiency, and she began treatment for it. In April, it appeared that my place of work might close down or have to move to a new location. Then, in May, my father went in for surgery to remove a blood clot from his carotid artery, and suffered a severe stroke during the process. He died four days later. The month of June was a blur, trying to catch up with work I'd missed after my father's passing. The situation at my place of employment improved but that in itself created an enormous amount of extra work and pressure. The exhaustion became worse, and so did the pain and stiffness. I chalked it up to overwork and pushed past it, like I always have.

In July, I started having deep pain localized to my right side. This was a kidney stone, and after eleven days, I finally went in for surgery to remove it, only to find that the stone itself had passed earlier that morning. I had a week to recover, then another stone started to move. After over a month of pain, medications, and medical visits, I was unable to get through a day without medication and several hours of rest. My doctor decided that I needed to have more tests run, and after countless needle sticks, IVs, and procedures, it was determined that I have rheumatoid arthritis.

Some days, it hurts to move. I am tired but sleep isn't restful and only lasts about four hours at a stretch. My body doesn't recuperate the way it once did; it takes days to bounce back from exertion, where it once took hours. I am on strong anti-inflammatories, and they make my stomach uncomfortable. Sometimes they help, and other times they don't. I limp and hobble like someone twice my age. I am forty-two years old but I might as well be eighty. My thought-processes have slowed because I am preoccupied with pain and weariness. I lack motivation to complete even the things I enjoy, and tasks that used to be easy now present significant difficulty. For example, the laundry room is in the basement. It is hard to carry baskets of clothes, and it is also hard to go up and down stairs. Hot water feels good on my hands, but I sometimes have trouble gripping dishes in order to get them washed. Driving is necessary to get to work and get the kids to school, but it causes my elbows, hands, wrists, and back to throb.

This week has been particularly hard. After a late meeting on Monday night, I haven't been able to catch up on my rest. Each day has gotten progressively more difficult and the cold I thought I had shaken off last week is back, full-force, complete with sneezing, coughing, and even asthma attacks. I've run a low-grade fever on and off for the last three days. Today, at around 11 am, I walked from one end of the building to the other and back - and collapsed into my chair afterward like I'd just finished a 5K. I was freezing, exhausted, and achy all over - it felt like I had the flu. I'm sure I don't - this is simply what an RA flare feels like.

So where's the horror-story in all this? Try being forty-two, active, and relatively healthy one year, and then lethargic, in pain, and weak the next.  Try thinking about your future and the plans you've made and then integrating the realization that most of them will probably never happen because your body won't be able to sustain them. Try thinking about affording a $2000 a month medication regimen on a single parent's already low income while feeding, clothing, and educating two kids.

Yeah, I'm whining. But it's more than whining. It's grieving. My life is fundamentally changed by this diagnosis. The most I can hope for is a period of remission, or that once the doctors agree on what kind of medication I need and the insurance company stops fighting and provides it, I will experience increased mobility and a better quality of life. I have enrolled in a Master's program beginning in January, but I am facing the likelihood of never being able to use what I learn because the plain fact is that I'll likely be disabled within the next year.

Oh, it is what it is. It's life, we all get through it. Nobody asks for the awful things that happen but we are all responsible for doing everything we can to bring light out of the darkness we experience. If we can find ways to make our suffering redemptive, then at least it will have meaning. I keep telling myself these things. I have struggled for years with pain from various sources; relationships, sexual assault, abuse, and domestic violence. I have sifted through the ruins looking for treasure more times than I can count. I will likely get to that point again, but right now, I can't even type more than a few sentences without needing to rest my hands and arms. I am hard pressed to find anything good in any of this. It is probably best to go ahead and grieve, to cry and scream and shout at God, to ask why the hell, after every other shitty thing I've been through, life had to add this, too. It isn't fair. It sucks.

But it's life. We all get through it. Even with all this negativity, I am still blessed beyond measure. In comparison with that of many others, my life has been ridiculously easy, though comparisons of this type are odious, invidious, and completely without meaning. I know these things to be true. I just can't feel that truth, I can't find the light in this darkness. Right now, I'm too tired to even try.

The Courage to Change

“There is a price that is too great to pay for peace…. One cannot pay the price of self-respect.” ~Woodrow Wilson

Those of you who read this blog know that I have been on a journey toward recovery, self-acceptance, and healing for the past year. In the process of that work, I have come across several valuable written resources. Some of them were given to me by friends, some I found through exploring the ideas of others, and some I just happened upon by chance. A small publication by Al-Anon which I recently read falls into the last category. I have never been to an Al-Anon meeting, though I would likely benefit from attending. I have been in relationships with alcoholics on and off for more than half my life, and my patterns of behavior, coping, and living have all been affected by alcoholism. While I was not specifically seeking assistance in dealing with those issues, something about the title of this book – Courage to Change – caught my eye. That spoke to me because it seems I sometimes lack the courage to make necessary changes in my life. The book is a collection of daily meditations or devotionals for use throughout the year. Some of the writings were meaningless to me, but others reached into my heart and brought comfort or challenge, like the following passage:

“One of the first things I heard in Al-Anon was that we didn’t have to accept unacceptable behavior. This idea helped me to see that I need not tolerate violence or abuse, and that I had choices I hadn’t even recognized before. I set some limits, not to control others, but to offer myself guidelines so that I would know what was and was not acceptable and what to do about it.” (Courage to Change, 1992; p. 51)

This goes along with something that I learned while reading Boundaries by Drs Henry Cloud and John Townsend. You can love someone without loving his behaviors, and this love cannot be allowed to prevent you from having healthy boundaries that protect you and enrich your life. Setting limits is not a way to force others to change. It is not a refusal to share or show love. It is a means by which you keep you keep your identity and your sanity intact. Healthy people seem to do this without effort. I have never been able to set limits or boundaries in my relationships until now – and it is still extremely difficult.

The author of this particular meditation goes on to state that though she considered herself healthy these days, there was one person from whom she still accepted unacceptable behavior – herself. She berated and blamed herself for everything that went wrong and never gave herself credit for her efforts. She told herself how ugly, lazy, and stupid she was. Then she realized that those were things she would not say to someone she cared about and that she would not accept those words from anyone else. She learned to start treating herself as though she were a treasured friend. Only then was she assured that she was truly in recovery.

I have spoken before about how Christ’s command to “love your neighbor as yourself” is a double-edged one; it assumes that before we love our neighbor, we love ourselves. This is still the most difficult hurdle for me to cross. It is so much easier for me to love others, to give myself completely to someone else’s wants, and to forgive them for the most painful hurts while continually castigating myself for the least little imperfections that I often feel as though I have spent my life binding up the wounds of others while I slowly bleed to death. It is not enough to say that I won’t continue to do it – despite my best intentions, I still find myself falling back into the pattern of giving people what I know they want, even when it hurts me to do so.

What is the solution? There are plenty of days when I feel that it would be easier to withdraw from every relationship until I am healthy enough to set my boundaries and hold to them. Then I wonder if I will ever be that healthy. Will it simply be that I hold firm until I am faced by the challenge of someone else’s needs? In the face of someone else’s desire will I just collapse into the old habit of saying, “Do whatever you want, it doesn’t matter”? There is a part of me that knows that withdrawal is not the answer and that I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. Another part of me is so damned tired of the struggle to maintain my sense of self that it frankly doesn’t care if I have relationships or not. That part of me says it’s better to be alone than to feel used, hurt, and resentful. For a long time I seemed to be divided this way, with two modes of thought and no way to choose between them. But lately, as I’ve been working to heal, there is another way of thinking that is emerging. This other part of me recognizes that I have the right and the power to determine what goes on in my life, and if someone else’s behaviors are unacceptable then I do not have to accept them. I can draw a clear boundary that says, “You have the right to choose what you do, and I have the right to choose what I will tolerate. I will not tolerate this behavior.” This feels healthy to me, and yet it also frightens me terribly.

The fear stems from several sources, but the strongest is the abusive relationship I was in two years ago. In the beginning, my partner often said that he appreciated my independence and my desire for autonomy. Later on, he told me I had no rights in our relationship and that I was the most selfish person he had ever known. When I did try to assert myself in that relationship, the emotional abuse was immediate and horrific – diatribes and alcohol-fueled rants lasted for hours and at the end of the eight months I spent with him, the screaming sessions were interspersed with physical and sexual assaults. Now when I even think about saying “I choose not to tolerate this” my heart races and I tremble all over. Panic attacks and flashbacks threaten and in order to keep peace, I end up saying nothing at all. This is a kind of self-protection that is detrimental because it leaves me in anxiety over the things that I did not have the courage to change.

Nearly everyone is familiar with the Serenity Prayer and how it asks for the courage to change what can be changed along with the serenity to accept what cannot be altered. I know that I can't change what others choose to do - they are free to exercise their will in their own lives. Their choices are their own, just as my responses are mine to determine. Where they are unhealthy I must change them – now I just need to find the courage to do it.

Keep on Talking

The tone of the email was angry and abrupt. An unknown woman had been offended by a comment I had made on a website discussion board where a group of folks were talking about sexual assault and who was at fault when it happened. She tracked me back to Facebook and sent an email that was designed to insult rather than persuade. "Why do you keep on talking about rape?" she asked. "It's all you ever talk about. There must be something wrong with you. You must think about rape all the time."

I read through the letter, looking for clues or red-flags that this was more than just someone who happened to disagree with me and the way I communicate. I admit that I wondered if it could be my abuser, taking a circuitous route to be in touch with me and berate me, but after examining the sentence structure of the email and the syntax and grammar, I decided that it was not him. She went on through a couple of paragraphs, telling me how sick and disgusting I am for my vocal stance on rape and intimate partner violence. "Nice people don't like hearing about things like that," she said. "I'm sorry if you got yourself raped, but you need to get over it and move on."

My initial response was - of course - anger. Whose wouldn't have been? But after some consideration, I realized that I had been given a rare opportunity. I had the chance to open a dialogue with someone who needed education. There was no way to change this woman's mind or to win an argument with her, so I decided not to argue. Instead, I did my best to give her some answers and some things to think about. Here is my reply (and please note that her comments and questions have been edited by me for grammar and spelling errors; also, I have changed her name to protect her privacy).

Dear Kate,
Thank you for your email. I must assume from your comments that you are one of the nice people who do not like to hear about rape and domestic violence. It is regrettable that you were offended by my comments about only rapists getting to choose whether or not someone is raped, but I cannot bring myself to offer you an apology. I have nothing to apologize for. What I said was true and not inflammatory. No one chooses to be a victim; rapists do choose to commit rape.

You gave me some advice in your letter - you said I should get over the rapes and the domestic violence I suffered and move on. Well, I am happy to say that I am moving on. Advocacy and publicly addressing the issues are how I am moving forward with my life. If you meant that I should pretend these things never happened to me, well, I'm afraid I can't do that. Not anymore. I tried it for many years and it did not work for me. I suspect there are many survivors of rape and abuse who would say the same thing. And just for future reference, no one gets themselves raped. As I said before, rapists choose to commit rape; the person who is raped has all their choices taken away.

You asked me why I "keep on talking" about rape and domestic violence. I do it because I have daughters and friends, sisters and a mother, and because I don't want any of them - or anyone else, anywhere, ever - to be raped or abused. To my way of thinking, the more people who know it's a problem, the more people there are who might intervene if they are faced with an assault or see domestic violence situations. My daughter says that awareness is the first step toward eradication of these crimes. She's only fourteen, but she's got something there, hasn't she? Another reason why I keep on talking is because I experienced rape, both as an adolescent and as a grown woman in an abusive relationship. I know the aftermath of rape and abuse, and I feel that I have a responsibility to myself and others to be as educated as I can be, and to tell the truth about sexual assault and domestic violence, so that others can recognize signs and warnings. My goal is to raise awareness so that fewer people suffer what I suffered.

Despite your letter, I have no current plans to shut up about rape, as you asked me - well, ordered is probably a better term - to do. No, I believe that the best way to end the darkness of ignorance and shame surrounding rape and intimate partner violence is to shine the lights of truth and justice on these crimes. Every time I tell someone the one-in-four statistic, every time I make someone question her certainty that she can't be raped because she's careful or because she carries pepper spray or because she's taken martial arts training, every time I blow another rape-myth out of the water, I am lighting another candle to drive back the dark. I will keep lighting those candles. I will keep on talking.

Sincerely,
Amy

I sent the email and have not received a reply. I don't expect to get one, and if I do, it will likely be contentious, with more insinuations about my character and my motives. That's okay, I've heard a lot worse from people I know and love. It is easy to disregard the rantings of a random stranger; much more difficult to pass over the hurts caused by people I care about, and who care about me. For instance, when I first disclosed to someone very close to me about my rape as an adolescent, the response was, "don't tell me you got yourself ruined." Another friend, on learning what had happened, said, "eww, that's so gross. Let's talk about something else." I've been called a slut, a whore, have been asked why I'd let people use me that way, have been told that I am the one who is responsible for the assaults and abuse, have been told that I am weak, unable to deal with life, living in a vacuum, and that I don't know what "the real world is like". All these things came from people I care about, and who presumably care about me. Recently, I was shocked to hear someone I love tell me that unless I learned how to defend myself, I would always be a victim.

I cannot describe the pain these statements cause. Would you tell someone who was hit by a drunk driver that she should have gotten out of the way faster? Would you tell her that she shouldn't have been driving on that particular road at that particular time? Would you tell her that if she had been in a bigger, sturdier car, she wouldn't have been hurt? Would you tell her that if she had learned defensive driving, she wouldn't have been hit? Then why in the world would you tell someone who has been raped that she should have done more to protect herself, that she shouldn't have been where she was, wearing what she wore, or that if she only knew how to fight everything would have been okay?

People who have been sexually assaulted or abused by intimate partners already carry enough guilt, pain, and confusion to last a lifetime. No one has the right to make any survivor's situation worse by blaming them for the assault, questioning how they handled it, or telling them what they did wrong. Bottom line - those of us who were once victims of assault have had enough trauma. We don't need anyone making it worse.

I live, work, and pray for the day when sexual assault and intimate partner violence and the attitudes that support and engender these crimes will be a distant memory. I long for a time when women are truly accepted as equals of men - not better than men, but just equal. I hope for a better future for my daughters and for everyone who is affected by rape, abuse, and domestic violence. Until that day comes, I will keep on talking.

Love Shouldn't Hurt: Recognizing and Ending Intimate Partner Violence

Hindsight is 20/20 – but what good does it do? Looking back, I can easily see the red flags in my abusive relationship, but at the time, I was blinded by the love I felt for someone who, in so many ways, seemed like the perfect partner. He was warm, kind, and caring. He listened when I needed to talk, and didn’t try to change me. I didn’t realize that all his empathetic concern was an act. Was it designed to fool me so that he could get close enough to hurt me? I don’t know for sure, but I doubt it. I think it was more of a mask that he wore with everyone – it was the way he wanted people to see him; when he became comfortable with me, he began to show me who he really was.

When I first became involved with my abusive ex-partner, the relationship seemed healthy and nurturing. We had known each other for a couple of years but had never been particularly close until I moved from my hometown after filing for divorce, and his was a familiar face in a strange environment where I didn’t have any friends or family. I was isolated, in a new place with a new job, and he encouraged me to rely on him for all sorts of little kindnesses that you miss when you’re alone. Our relationship felt mutually beneficial at first; I began to trust him more as he offered to babysit my children while I was at work and to take my car in for maintenance when I couldn’t take time away to do it myself. It seemed like we had reached a level of interdependency that was beneficial for both of us, and as my divorce finalized, we became closer. But even before that, things had begun to change. When we were together on weekends, he would spend hours in sullen silence, or worse, hours putting down people we both knew, or telling me why I was a bad parent and what I needed to do to change. Most of this was couched in psychological jargon and condescending monologues. He would tell me that he only wanted to help me be a better mother, or he just wanted me to understand what “those people” were really like.

I didn’t understand then that the cycle of abuse was building; we were in the honeymoon phase, but it wouldn’t last for long. He was having trouble finding a job and he spoke casually of suicide, often calling me at work and threatening to take his own life, then hanging up and then refusing to answer my calls for hours at a time. I spent my days in a storm of frantic anxiety, believing that he had actually carried through with his threats. Then, when I was finally able to reach him, he would be angry at me for “calling to check up on him.” He began blaming me for his failure to find employment, and for all the other stressors in his life, but I still didn’t get it – I loved him and I believed that the relationship was worth working for. There were a lot of reasons why I continued to stay even as things got worse, but the biggest one was that I just didn’t get it – until he threw the first punch, I didn’t realize that I was being abused. Don’t let that happen to you – learn right now how to recognize those red flags that I missed.

RECOGNIZING VIOLENCE:
It can be difficult to recognize a potentially violent relationship. The truth is that abuse in relationships is often subtle and difficult to identify, until actual physical violence occurs. Even verbal abuse is difficult to codify since many people often lose their tempers and say things they don’t mean or wish they could take back. So what can we do? How can we recognize behaviors that cross the line or should cause alarm? Moreover, how can we help our friends and loved ones do the same?

We have to learn to recognize abuse in relationships. It may seem simple, but it’s harder than you think, especially since abuse doesn’t usually begin with battering. Here’s an example of some behaviors that should raise red flags:

WHAT HE DOES: He calls you in the middle of the night and won’t stop calling until you answer, or if you live together, he continually wakes you and keeps you talking for hours. He knows you have to get up and go to work the next day but he refuses to let you sleep.
WHY HE DOES IT: One of the easiest ways to wear down another person is through depriving them of sleep. Once you’re exhausted, you’re a lot easier to control. Maybe your abuser doesn’t consciously realize it, but somewhere inside, he knows that if you’re worn out, you aren’t going to fight him.

WHAT HE DOES: He makes it difficult for you to get to work on time or urges you to skip days. Maybe he wants you to give up working entirely or to take a job for less pay, and insists that if you don’t do it, you are showing him that you don’t trust him to take care of you.
WHY HE DOES IT: If you can’t support yourself, then you will be dependent on him – it’s another way to establish tighter control.

WHAT HE DOES: You exchange a friendly joke or laugh with someone of the opposite sex. When you get out to the car, your partner says that you flirt too much, or accuses you of having an affair.
WHY HE DOES IT: If he can convince himself that you’ve been unfaithful, then he has a good excuse to punish you for it. Also, it’s another way to control you – he doesn’t want you to believe that other men could find you attractive because he might lose you.

WHAT HE DOES: You’re half an hour late coming home from work because of road construction, but your partner refuses to believe your reason – he insists that you’re having an affair and starts calling your friends to ask them who you’re cheating with.
WHY HE DOES IT: Same as above – this is a culturally acceptable reason for him to be angry at you. And again, it’s all about control. Not only can he humiliate you by bringing your friends into the equation, but this also has the effect of making you think that he is hurt and you need to apologize.

WHAT HE DOES: You notice that every time you take a phone call, he listens in to see who you’re talking to and what you’re saying. As soon as you end the call, he wants to know what the other person said about him.
WHY HE DOES IT: He doesn’t want your friends telling you that his behavior is abusive, so he stays with you through the phone call so that you won’t really have the chance to tell anyone how he’s been treating you. And he wants to know what was said because he’s worried that others can recognize him for what he is, and he knows he may need to do damage control.

WHAT HE DOES: You are constantly criticized for not being “good enough”, or “thin enough”, or “smart enough,” or you’re blamed for everything that goes wrong in his life.
WHY HE DOES IT: He doesn’t want you to be confident. He wants you to be subservient; he needs you to believe that you can’t have a better relationship than the one you have with him. He wants to keep you feeling guilty and dependent so he will do everything he can to undermine your feelings of self-worth.

WHAT HE DOES: Your partner withholds sex and affection in order to make you behave the way he wants you to. He may promise to be intimate with you if you do what he wants, and then refuse to follow through, or he or she may tell you that you are too unattractive, too possessive, or too demanding for sex.
WHY HE DOES IT: The purpose of this behavior is to keep you in the supplicant’s position; the power of granting affection and physical pleasure remains with him. He wants you to be afraid of losing him so that you will comply with what he wants.

WHAT HE DOES: He pushes, manipulates, or coerces into having sex when you don’t want to. Your partner may threaten to harm you or himself if you don’t comply, or may use emotional manipulation and tell you that if you don’t give in, he will find someone else to have sex with, or that it means you don’t love him if you won’t have sex.
WHY HE DOES IT: Again, it’s all about control – when this behavior begins, the cycle is moving away from the honey-moon phase and into the violent one.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW:
You have rights! You have the right to kind treatment. You have the right to be respected. You have the right to privacy. You have the right to have friends of your own. You have the right to your own ideas and opinions. If the person you are with is infringing on those rights, then the relationship is damaged. Something needs to change! It may be that the person you are with will not become violent, but whether he does or not, you deserve to have the kind of healthy relationship that adds to your life instead of detracting from it. You have the right to change your mind and to leave the relationship if it is hurtful or detrimental.

If your relationship has already progressed beyond the above stages of abuse to physical or sexual violence, you can – and should – take action to make your life better and to find safety.

AS A SURVIVOR OF INTIMATE PARTNER VIOLENCE:
• Know that you can get help, as hard as it seems. Your county health department is a good place to start. Nurses and staff there receive training to recognize domestic abuse situations and most health departments have brochures and literature available in their front lobby. You can also privately tell a nurse or nurse practitioner that your partner is hurting you and ask for help in reporting or finding shelter and safety. Your doctor can also help in this way.

• Have a safety plan. In abusive relationships, you are often in the greatest danger when you try to leave. If you are being physically harmed and you are fearful, have a small bag packed with necessary items like medications, ID, cash (if you have access to money), and clothing. Be ready to leave when you get the chance. Have a trusted friend you can count on to help you get to a shelter, or have other means of transportation ready. You don’t have to have this plan mapped out or written down, it can just be an idea in your head, the same way you’d go to the north-west corner of your basement if there were a tornado coming.

• Document everything. This may seem terribly hard, but it is best if you take photographs of your cuts and bruises; set your camera to use its date/time stamp, or if you’re using your cell phone’s camera, send the photo to yourself or a trusted friend as a text message, which will automatically save the date of the photo. The more proof you have of the abuse, the easier it will be to get an order of protection later on, if you find you need one. You should also keep a journal if you have a safe place and way to do so.

• Be careful whom you talk to. Mutual friends of yourself and your partner might think they’re doing the “right thing” by disclosing your plans. Even family members might believe it’s better for you to “work things out” with your abuser and might give him access to your location. Know that it is okay for you to keep your plans to yourself and to limit knowledge among your friends and loved ones! Your safety is your primary concern.

• Be aware that not all advice is good advice. Good friends, family members, even your pastor may think it is best if you seek out couples’ counseling and try to work out your problems. If you are being hit or physically threatened, the worst thing you can do is go to counseling together. It simply isn’t safe! You do not have to take ANY advice that seems harmful to you or that you know would only make the situation worse. It is okay to leave an abusive relationship, regardless of whether you have children together, are married, or have financial resources of your own.

AS A FRIEND OF A SURVIVOR:
• Remember, one in three women will experience domestic violence during her lifetime, so we are all potentially “friends of victims”. One of the best things we can do is be aware! Know the signs of domestic violence. Some of these are chronic lateness, unexplained bruises, not showing up to planned events, withdrawal from friends and family, personality changes, or other odd changes in routine behavioral patterns. These are the less obvious signs, so you really have to watch to notice them.

• 85% of reported victims of domestic violence are female, which means that 15% of reported victims are male. It can be especially difficult for men to come forward and speak out about the abuse, whether emotional or physical. If you have a male friend who is being abused, be aware that he may need help and support just as a female friend would.

• It is okay to let a friend know that you are worried about her. It is better to ask about the changes you are noticing than to ignore them! Your friend may be praying that someone will offer help or intervene on her behalf, but she may not know how or who to ask. Your concern may be just what she needs to help her find a way to a safer situation.

• Be supportive. Many people think that if a person is being abused, it is easy to “just leave.” But it isn’t – there could be many factors you don’t understand. Shared finances, fears about where to go, how to live, what will happen to children or pets, how to retrieve personal belongings, threats of physical harm or even death if she leaves…all these issues can make it very difficult to leave an abusive situation. There’s also the fact that often, abused women and men still love their partners, regardless of what has happened. Just being there and being willing to listen is helpful! Remember, you can’t solve your friend’s crisis – only she can do that. But you can love your friend and help find solutions that work.

Statistics show us that one in every three women will experience domestic violence. It is most often women who are harmed in situations of intimate partner violence. Almost one-third of female homicide victims reported to police were killed by an intimate partner. Only about twenty percent of those women who report domestic violence go on to obtain legal help such as an order of protection. And of that number, around half of those legal orders are violated, and two-thirds of the orders against partners who committed rape or sexual assault are violated. The violence is cyclic – boys who witness domestic violence are twice as likely to perpetuate that violence in their future relationships. If we are to end this epidemic of violence, we must be aware of it at every level, in every segment of society. Violence in the home respects no racial, cultural, or economic boundaries. It is not age specific. It is not even gender-specific – as stated above, at least fifteen percent of domestic violence victims are male; it is just as much of a tragedy when men are abused and harmed by intimate partners. It is up to each of us to understand the warning signs, to recognize abuse, and to take action against it. If we don’t, who will?